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Processing Layers of Constriction

Finding a whole-body-OK to a decision means checking that we feel no constrictions arising while considering it. Sometimes, noticing constriction brings up more constriction. This happens especially when we have some belief that we shouldn't feel constricted.

For example, we might feel social pressure for a certain direction. We might think we're supposed to like an activity or person or idea. If we instead feel constricted, we can feel constriction about the constriction.

If we misunderstand the ideas about acceptance in CL, thinking that we should always be accepting of our constrictions, we might feel constricted about constriction about constriction.

Of course, constriction is not always healthy. We can fear things that present no danger at all. In that case, the constriction about constriction is itself appropriate. But then it would be unhealthy to feel constricted-about-constriction-about-constriction. And if we don't want that unhealthy pattern, we end up with four layers of constriction!

Whatever we experience, we need to find acceptance of some layer in order to investigate and process the feelings effectively. Processing layered levels of constriction can look like this:

  1. Attune to our feelings, noting patterns of constriction and expansion.
  2. Check for constriction about constriction…
    • Do we accept the constrictive and/or expansive energy we are feeling?
  3. Resolve layers of constriction (and/or expansion) one at a time until we feel comfortable that we see the situation from multiple perspectives and can take a healthy, wise view from which to best engage with the primary content of our situation.

The level of depth and details can vary enormously. Minor everyday things usually need barely any attention and get resolved almost unconsciously just following our intuitions. Major issues may take many hours spread out over days, weeks, months… We can infinitely explore anything. But no matter the situation, everything happens in tiny steps, moment by moment.

Example of layered ARR process cycles

Note that the following simple example could fly by in a smooth, flowing process in a fraction of the time that it takes to read this description of it!

Issue: Thoughts about getting no reply to a message. Attuning to feelings reveals constriction. Noticing additional constriction arising upon noting the initial constriction (as in thinking "shouldn't feel constricted about this"). Considering resolution, recall that constriction means caring ("this constriction means caring about the communication"). Notice some relaxing. Noticing constrictive thoughts about the message ("if they cared too, they would have replied by now"). Notice expansive energy when thinking about investigating the constrictive thoughts ("exploring these thoughts is helping, and it's fun and interesting to explore other perspectives"). Distinguish observation vs interpretation vs imagination ("imagining that they don't care, but the only observation is not seeing a reply"). Test other ways to think and feel ("they might not realize why it matters"; "something truly more important might have delayed their response"; "could they feel nervous about how to reply?"; etc) Notice more overall relaxation. Notice new expansive energy, feeling motivated to explore healthy next steps for resolution ("Shift focus to something else for now to give them more time? Send a reminder message? Try a different way to reach out? Ask a mutual friend for perspective or help?"). Choose a response that brings a whole-body-OK where no constrictions arise when imagining it ("send a brief reminder"). Review, checking for feelings and thoughts about how to improve CL practice and what else to do about the situation ("we have no clear agreement about timely responses to messages; can make a note to discuss that in a future conversation at a time and in a style that feels right; can plan for how to make that go well…").

Over time with CL practice, the process will go smoother and faster. In this case, the outcome could include clear agreements about message replies and a set of prepared options for how to respond to any delays. That could mean less future worries about others not caring. Or maybe it turns out that others indeed do not care or worse, and then we have a whole bigger topic to process. Either way, having done the CL practice makes successful processing more likely when facing whatever comes next.