Dramatic Triangles¶

TASK: illustration with flipped triangles, red one labeled "conflict", green/blue labeled "growth" with notes about "fear" vs "trust"

Many stories have three characters in a triangular relationship. The characters fit three common archetypes:

• Victim
• Villain
• Hero

This roots the drama in conflict between a helpless victim who lacks agency and just experiences the effects of the actions of the villain (the bad guy) and hero (the good guy).

A more empowering story uses a different set of archetypes:

• Learner
• Challenger
• Coach

In this sort of inspiring growth story, the learner has agency and responsibility. The challenger and coach support the learning and are not in opposition. There are no simple good-guys and bad-guys. There are only challenges, failures, successes, and lessons to learn.

Choosing a conflict or a growth perspective¶

Constriction can drive us to see things in terms of conflict while a more expansive view helps us to see situations as opportunities for learning and growth.

Victim vs learner¶

Victims generally feel helpless, powerless, hurt. Attention focuses on pain, suffering, and defeat. Victim mindset goes with complaining thoughts like "I can't", "it's too hard", "it's hopeless", "I have no choice", "help!", "nobody understands", "it's not fair", "why me?". Experiences in victimhood often include getting sick, distracted, overwhelmed, and feeling ashamed.

Learners feel curious, unstuck, and focused on choices they have. Attention goes toward CL practices and commitments. Attention is on curious questions and doing one's best in the circumstances. Learners engage playfully with situations, even when uncomfortable. Learners question their beliefs and stories and are willing to say "I don't know".

Villain vs challenger¶

Villains attack, criticize, and condemn. In subtle and internal contexts, the prototypical villain behavior is blame. Villains have thoughts like "you're wrong", "I/you/they should…", "I don't care", "get over it", "so stupid", "waste of time", "it's their/your/my fault", "#$&* you!". Villains often make excuses for their behavior like "it's just a joke", "I didn't mean it", "you made me do it", "you deserve it". Ironically, it is villainous to focus on labeling someone (or some part of us) as the villain, as the enemy.

Challengers make things difficult in order to push the learner to rise to the occassion. Challengers may add discomfort. Challenge is often unpleasant. Challenge still can be an essential part of learning and is not our enemy. Challengers adjust the level of difficulty to what learners are ready for in each moment.

Hero vs coach¶

In this model, a hero provides temporary relief. Heroes may banish villains, relieve discomfort, and bring in pleasant feelings. Heroes take care of problems without teaching anyone how to deal with situations in the future (besides calling for the hero again). Heroes typically see themselves as superior to the awful villains and poor victims. Heroic thoughts include "I'll take care of this", "I understand", "let's all get along". Heroes tend to listen with a focus on fixing problems. Internally, heroic actions can include procrastination, addictions, distraction, and so on. Heroes also often overreact by making drastic decisions all at once.

Coaches support learners in finding healthy and appropriate resolutions with iterative steps that serve both immediate and long-term concerns. Coaches respect other roles as equals and partners in the learning process. Coaches listen fully and openly. Coaches serve as facilitators and guides, creating a context for learners to make their own discoveries rather than telling them what to think.

Coaches guide learners through CL processes with questions like "what can you learn from this?", "what is at risk here?", "how else could you see this?", "what sensations do you feel?", "what sound and movement would express your emotions?", "what do you appreciate about this situation?", "how is this serving you?", "what support would be most helpful?", and so on.

Triangles at different scales¶

The roles in these triangle dynamics can be separate people in a social context, internal patterns (interactions between different parts or behavior patterns of an individual), or interactions between different groups or institutions.

Switching roles within a triangle¶

Anyone can shift from one role to another. We can feel helpless as a victim, then act as hero by indulging in some comfort food or distraction to relieve our distress, and then play the villain as we shame ourselves for having unhealthy addictions.

Adapted from ideas that evolved from the work of Stephen Karpman, then David Emerald, also the Hendricks Institute, and then the Conscious Leadership Group